If you were ever a “potty” mouth in your former childless life, it can be a difficult transition to having to monitor and edit what comes out of your mouth. As many of us parents know, children are little sponges and they take in Every…Single…Word that we say. It is inevitable that they will wait for the worst time to appropriately use the inappropriate words they heard come flying out of your mouth. And of course, they will give you all the credit for their newly acquired language skills.
It’s no secret that parenting doesn’t always bring out the best in us and sometimes there is nothing like the power of a curse word to clearly communicate exactly how you are feeling. However, we parents are not always in a position to openly express ourselves. I have acquired a list of kid appropriate “curse words” that give me the satisfaction I am looking for without tainting my little ones’ vocabulary. So, here are my suggestions of curse words parents can use everyday because if your kids repeat these in public, you can still pass them off as adorable.
Fudgecicles. This one is my usual go-to. It is most effective in situations such as stepping on Legos that are embedded in my rug and render me incapable of walking for at least 5 mins. Or when I trip over a book bag that was thrown in the middle of the floor and end up stubbing my toe in a feeble attempt to free my foot. And even when my suddenly silent toddler has created yet another mess for me to clean up. For added emphasis it helps me to say Fudgecicles and Lollipops. Trust me it works…Try it.
Ships and Sailors. I find this statement most appropriate when I am already running 15 mins late and I can’t find my keys and then I suddenly remember that the last place I saw them was in my toddler’s mouth. Lord knows where they are now. Its also great when I can’t find my wallet because my 3 year old one seems to think it is her purse and once she tires of it she tosses it where ever she pleases…under the couch, in the toy bin or in the dog bed. Unfortunately, one of these situations occurs at least 4 out of the 7 days in a week.
Daisies and Daffodils. I reserve this for when I find pee and poop in places it should not be…like on any of my rugs, on the wall behind the toilet or even the pile of laundry on the floor waiting to be washed (I don’t think I need to explain the irony of this one). These incidents are usually the fault of a pet or most likely a little human. Frankly, I am quite tired of cleaning up pee and poop that didn’t come from me.
Mother Frickin Fracker. You know those days you are feeling super accomplished and everybody made it out of the house, on time, without any break downs and then just as you pull up to school you realize you left the lunches that you so diligently made for everyone on the kitchen counter? Then to top it off, you have no cash on you so that means either a trip to the ATM or back home to pick up the lunches. Yea… This one does the trick. Although, if you have already dropped the kids off, the actual curse word is much more called for.
Son of a Biscuit Eater. This one I use most when I realize I have once again suffered from the effects of mom brain and completely forgotten that I scheduled some all important appointment and didn’t write it in my calendar. Or I get a call from a person I was supposed to meet 15 minutes ago. Why can I not remember a damn thing…I mean a dagnabit thing?!?!
I am not pretending that any of the words make any sense but they accomplish the goal. Granted there are some situations where your favorite curse word is just not replaceable. Nonetheless, you to can create your own curse words by following a few simple rules…
1. The first two letters should be the same as the curse word you wish to replace. It is super important that the first sound mimics the curse word you are replacing.
2. You must use kid friendly words that if repeated will not embarrass the crap out of you.
3. For added impact, I suggest compound words or short phrases and be sure to use the same vocal emphasis.
Parents…Go forth and “curse.”
Elisha Beach is a stay-at-home mom to four kids and four step-kids…Yes, you read that right—eight kids. She is a wife, home cook, taxi driver, herder of children, terrible housekeeper and founder of The Mom Forum.
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